FOR THOSE THAT DONT TWEET ME

I HAVE MOVED MY BLOG TO WORDPRESS.... WWW.EVERYDAYPARENT.WORDPRESS.COM

sex, drugs, and George Orwell

I left tuition the end of May, it was a sad sad occasion, time to leave and move on from the place that had been the constant being since november, the place that i'd finally realised who i was and what i was good at with the help of the right people, a friendly caring group, who somehow i managed to bring together. i think i needed them there more than they needed me, but regardless i had managed to find my feet again, be normal, whatever normal was.

Upto the date of my exams i never did any revision, spent most of my time holed up in my room with the boyfriend mostly discovering what sex really was about (god it was good! a real revelation! learnt alot about myself and him there....) but mostly smoking pot and listening to music, now and then we went out to the cinema but it was a rare moment, we were happy just chillin' and hanging out with each other, sounds boring really, but i quite enjoyed not having any drama in my life.

time to relax (when i shouldnt) exams are next week, im not bothered, those grades will mean nothing to me, well less than how much i dealt with the previous 18 months, you can always retake an exam, but you cant relive your past, whats happened, happened. end off. it truly was a moving on moment, not in the normal sense of a 16 year old growing up either.

The day of my english exam, i get up at 10ish, the exams in the afternoon, have a smoke, lounge around most of the day til im picked up for it, meet the other kids sitting the same exam, look around to see who's here, a couple of kids from my first secondary school 'the naughty ones' they're as suprised to see me as i am them, we all pop outside for a ciggie before our exam, we've got 10 minutes.

we gradually finish our smoke and go back in and sit down, I'm not nervous, in fact no one seems all that bothered. thats when the panic hits me, none of these kids seem to care! i care actually! i want to pass this paper, i cant remember anything we learnt, all i seemed to do was write that assignment that got me an A. there must be other ways they assess you. whats a metaphor? what did george orwell write? AAaaargh my minds a heady mix of panic and being stoned.

so i sit the exam, 1hour and 30 minutes of writing senseless rubbish, whatever i was writing the words seemed to flow, a short poem of rhyming couplets? whaaaat? ive forgotten what that is, i look around the room. everyone else is busy writing, i feel incredibly stupid, head down again, words flow again, after all the panic and stress i've felt in the past half hour, i finally begin to fill the paper.

10 minutes left i finish. paper seems empty, i hope ive done enough to scrape a D at least, i couldnt do with failing an exam right now, its the last thing you need when youve only taken 2 gcses and the other god knows what percent of the country has taken 10 or so, ten minutes is a very long time when youre sat in a silent room bar the sounds of a scratchy biro against the exam paper. the smell of youth, desperation and the probability of failure fill the room.

the sound of an alarm buzzing fills the room, and awakes 10 of us from daydreams and fantasies. time is up. no turning back now. today was probably one of the defining moments for our future, and if we pass between us, we'll be ok. home now for more of the boyfriend and related stuff. (its the related stuff im looking forward too)

Number 13.........

well it was announced the other day that I am number 13 on a list of top 100 parent blogger on twitter. http://www.bloggered.co.uk/main/2010/08/top-100-british-mummy-and-daddy-bloggers-on-twitter/


I'm very happy about this, not shouty show offish, but for me to write something rather personal, deep and meaningful , then for it to make some list. where I'm the top end of the top 20, well wow!

The majority of regular readers will know that I never wrote this blog for nominations and to be part of a list, I wrote it for me. for a little peace of release where I could just spill my emotions and general stories of the past. I'm rather shocked that people have made the effort to read, re tweet, nominate and vote for me.

well another big thank you, and I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it!

Carl.

My brother in law is dying. No one knows how long he has left. Its taken at least ten years for tumours to spread through his body.

I feel an immense pain and grief. I feel like I'm losing the last person that deeply cared about me in my hour of need.

I cant write much more. Because even though he has been in decline since February I feel numb, as if its suddenly happened, I've cried some more tears .

Brother in law is in the severn hospice, I did a 13 mile walk for them in april ‘just for a good cause’ now I'm glad I did and those painful 13 miles suddenly mean more to me than anything else.

I'm proud of myself for doing it but I'm feeling incredibly blue. But life carries on. people die all the time. But somehow this is different.

exams and house parties

Its now mid May, ive got the date for my exams, middle of june, a week apart, I should get my head down and work hard. i wish i was capable of sitting down and revising for exams but im not, why should i take them, when ive seriously ive already fucked up a massive part of my life, what difference will a poxy GCSE make?! ten years later i finally realised.

the boyfriend is still around, i spend every weekend at his, in Pontesbury, weekends are either spent at his house, just smoking, chilling, and drinking, or at his friends houses pretty much doing the same thing. His neighbours invite us to a barbeque the one friday evening, for some strange reason she asks me if i have kids, i dont know what to reply for a second, i suppose i couldve just said no dont be daft im only 16, but i said yes, she asks boy or girl, where is he with his grandparents? it dawns on me suddenly that i never even told the boyfriend about my son.

oh god what will he think of me now? I answer the dreaded question, no i gave him up for adoption 12 months ago, her reply, sorry to hear that. boyfriend looks at me with concern, through the haze of drink and drugs, things are becoming clearer, actually i shouldnt feel the need to confess to everyone, there is no need for people to know, but i suppose if i told people i might actually be able to get close them, rather than this distance i seem to have with a lot of people, i step back and look at it. but once people know, after a few slightly awkward questions, no one is actually that bothered, shocked or whatever.

well food is ready now, change of topic, his neighbour has done up a VW campervan, shows us his handy work, more drink consumed, a slight niggle at the back of my mind, boyfriend doesnt say anything, in fact he never asks again, which is a relief and a frustration at the same time. We leave the neighbour, go back to his house for a smoke and more drink, We laugh, fool around and have a bit of fun, and the niggling doubt at the back my mind has disappeared, i actually dont care anymore. A few of his mates pop round, more drink consumed, i pass out, sat on the floor leant against the sofa.

the following morning i wake up in bed, wondered how i got there, still clothed (thankfully) swore to myself i'd let myself get in that situation again, make my way downstairs, theres quite a few people just crashed out on the floor. i look around and laugh, think to myself this is what we do, and no parents, no children, no teachers, no job. its the weekend im young and carefree, and i love it! But is it wrong, i wish my son never existed, i wish i couldve carried being a normal teenage girl and dealing normal things, not the pain and grief i'd suffered, is this just coping, hiding the fact ive got issues to deal with or is this just how i should be?
I never did find out.

time changes everything

fast forward to march, ive got a boyfriend, first one ive had since 'you know' 'that isnt talked about much anymore, i still miss him, i cry now and then thinking about my son, it eats me up inside, it tears me apart more and more each day. i think im going to crack underneath all the strain it gives me. ive been to the docs given antidepressants. no more counselling though, i didnt get very far with the counselling, it just doesnt work for me. the tablets make me feel numb, as well as the pot, im doped up, cant concentrate, i havent got a clue what im doing now. but only time will tell.

back to talking about the boyfriend, he's 19 works in the local petrol station, oh god hes funny! such a great sense of humour and drives a motorbike, god im really in love, i only popped in for a drink and some munchies a couple of times while he was working, was just chatting and it led on from there! so alright, he's lovely, he's also a village pot dealer! convenient. but he was nice enough at the time........ so we mostly hung out at the garage in the evening as he was working and we got to know each other better. he was quite adamant about waiting til i was 16 before we did anything else.

16 shortly 3 weeks time god im excited perhaps i'll get treated better, with a bit more respect and responsibility. i can buy cigarettes from anywhere, not that it makes any difference, i can do it now! and drink! wheres the fun in being 16? time to act responsible? no chance! responsibilty sucks, and although i want it i'm not going to act it! I try and I stumble, still smoking pot, ah well.
Back at tuition more the advisor comes again, shes actually very nice. we're going to get on just fine i think. we sit down and a 'proper' chat about careers, i think i might like to do residential care work, maybe journalism, maybe not. i dont know.

we talk about college at the next meeting, ive obviously got to go to college if i want to do anything else, retake my gcses and take more subjects. thats the plan! we'll do that i think, i quite like the sound of going to college, sounds like growing up! im sure i can grow up a little, so now i have a reasonably long term goal, good a serious move in life. i can do this, im not stupid. i know how capable and strong i am, oh and brave, the neighbours said im brave for coping with giving my son away. no im not.

careers advice uh yeh............

I know I said i was going to be calming down, i was extremely proud and a little overwhelmed with the tutors comments and support towards me and my assignment, but i was 15 still, i know i had the abilities to settle down work hard, make something of myself, who wants to think about working hard and getting a career at 15? i certainly didnt, nor did my friends at the time! we were far too busy having a lot of fun, we were still smoking pot in the afternoon, just because i left the childrens home i found it hard to disassociate myself from these people that in an a roundabout way had been there for me, a constant being, in the really bad times, we had an understanding of each other, nothing was talked about deep and meaningfully, they werent that close really, but we knew where we stood amongst ourselves.

end of January now, 12 months since i entered a world i knew nothing about, and dear god have things changed, i am no longer the nervous scared kid i was when this all started, i dont think im depressed anymore, although im having counselling (whatever that is) i really cant be bothered with the whole sitting there and talking about my feelings anymore, i dont like doing it, perhaps its because my parents were never particularly open with me, perhaps it was because i was always stoned......... probably not a wise thing to do at the time, but looking back i cant say it made much of a difference!

back at tuition, we've got to see a careers advisor, ha! careers advice? i'd never ever thought what i wanted to do when i left here, in fact i dreaded to be honest, i'd finally got settled somewhere, and in 4 months time i'd have to leave, so what was i going to do? erm let me think, writing, was quite good at it i suppose, can i make a career out of writing? no i didnt think so, its hardly possible to make money out of the ramblings of a 15 year old girl, so we see the careers advisor, now this has always puzzled me, why/how does someone want/get to be a careers advisor? and what gives them the ability to be able to give advice to teenagers, when in my eyes they are stuck in a dead end office job?

so careers advisor turns up, shes about early twenties, 5ft 3 slim. she looks younger than me, how on earth am i going to take this woman seriously, i expected a woman alot older than this, she looks slightly worried, she looks at me, i look at her with a look of contempt, we sit down and chat about things, so what are you interested in? what do you enjoy doing? my answer was 'nothing, everything is pants' then i asked her what did she want to when she grew up? the look on her face was priceless, i think i probably killed a little bit of her passion for the job there and then, i was not going to be asked what i wanted to when i grew up by someone who obvoiusly didnt care and couldnt care less.